i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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