So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
