whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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