and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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