So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
