I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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