Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
