I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
