he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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