I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize