My balls are so social today.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
