Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
