This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
