Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
