we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
