Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
