The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
