I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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