is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't deserve a penis
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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