Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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