You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
