If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
