she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
