I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
