it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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