If that was your dad, he is hot
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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