haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
