ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
