You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
There are leaves in my underwear?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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