Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All the doctor said was why
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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