i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
