my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
