the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
