it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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