I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize