I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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