I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
