I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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