my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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