those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
