my phone needs a breathalizer
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
