i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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