Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
