I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
