Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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