Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
