Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
