I think I died a long time ago.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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