OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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