this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She just used a chaser for red wine.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
