My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize