My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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