I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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