He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
