What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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